Author: Eoin Carney Published: Nov, 2021
What was it he had said to her? "Bring the razor by at quarter past five." No, that wasn't it. It was closer now, though. There was something she was supposed to fetch. Something to bring to him. And then he would love her back finally. That was what he promised.
But what had he asked for? And was the time right, a quarter past five? No, that didn't sound right either. He didn't speak in that way, the way familiar to her. He spoke like an American. He would've said "five fifteen", or something like that. But that number didn't sound right either. Oh, why couldn't he speak properly? That was probably the source of the confusion. Having to translate between her own language all the time. Thank God he wasn't actually American. What was he again? Japanese? Do they teach them American-style English there? Why would that be? Didn't they lose some war to the yanks?
Ah, was it razor blades he had asked for? To commit suicide maybe. Would she still bring him those? She loved him so much. She supposed she would. Especially if it meant he would love her back. If he did kill himself, what then? That's too far into the future, no need to think about it now. Anyway, she suppose she'd join him. That's what lovers do.
No, he's not a depressive type. She wouldn't fall in love with someone like that. Is it only depressive types that kill themselves? Maybe she'll find out today. At half past five. No, five thirty-two. Ah, is that why they say it like that? To be more precise? Precision is important. Especially in razor blades.
No! It was flowers he asked for! Not razors at all! Why the morbid association? It doesn't matter. Where to get flowers now? When is 'now'? Three forty-five. Time is ticking. Everywhere is open now. This is the time of day when everywhere is open. So there must be flower shops open. Or a Tesco maybe. No, they don't have Tescos here. What kind of flowers? Alliums? I think that was it. I've never heard of them before, but that's what he said for sure. Funny guy, all it takes is some Alliums for him to love someone. Thank God. I can't go on much longer without it. His love.
Silly! It's quarter to four in the morning not three forty-five in the middle of the day! Nowhere open. No chance of flowers. Unless I pick some. Or maybe there'll be a foreigner selling some outside the nightclubs. They used to do that, right? Do they still? It doesn't matter, I'm not in that country anymore. I'm the foreigner now. Should I be selling flowers? No, its not the same, its not the same me being a foreigner here as it was for them back where I came from. Very different. So, picking them it is. What's the natural climate of an Aster? Was that the flower? Think! I'd better get the species right. He's particular about those kinds of things. He might get violent again.
At least I have more time to find some now. Unless ... was it yesterday I was supposed to meet him? God, I hope not. What was it he said he'd do if I didn't show? Kill himself? No, that wasn't it. Block me. That's what they do these days. Better than suicide I suppose. But I won't like it. Not at all. I'll probably have to kill myself instead. Not that he'd ever know. Don't think about that now. Just find the flowers.
These will do. I don't know what they are but they're pretty. Am I pretty? I don't think so. He says I'm pretty. It makes my heart leap. He says I'm ugly, too, though. So, who's to know? I trust him though. I can't trust anyone else. There's no one else left now. Just him. And me. That's all we need. That's what he said. He's so romantic. The others told me to leave him so I got rid of them. Maybe they were right. But they didn't even try to understand. How can someone just leave their destiny? It's impossible. You try. Go ahead. I dare you.
No. Not this. Not at all. It wasn't flowers at all. I should crush these. Someone should crush me for being so stupid. It was ... an X-box? Isn't that what they want these days? The men. The boys. No, he's not a boy anymore. That's when we met. We were young. I watched him play X-box. He made me keep quiet. He wore a headset and joked with his friends. Were they his friends? He doesn't seem to have any friends, now that I think about it. He joked with them about me. He told them I was there, watching him play. They must have dared him to do something, because he reached over laughing and pulled my top down to touch my breasts and then said "I did it!" and laughed wildly. I started to cry but didn't go home. Later, he screwed me for the first time. It wasn't nice, but I did get to go home after, so there was that.
What age is he now? Same age as me I suppose. Or was he always older? What age am I? I suppose I'm the age after teenage years and the time it takes all your friends and family to stop talking to you. And then add some more years to move to another country where they couldn't even find you if they wanted to. That's how he put it once. Was it a threat? No, he's not like that. Only sometimes. But it's not the real him. Maybe he doesn't want an X-box now. Anyway, maybe that's one thing I wouldn't get for him. Do they even still make them?
No, I remember now. I remember what he wanted. An ambulance. He was bleeding. He said he wanted it and I asked if he would love me again if I brought it. He said that he would and just hurry up and get it. I asked him what time I should bring it to him, but he didn't say anything after that.